I have a love-hate relationship with the game of poker. The highs are so high that one minute I could be Snoop Dogg, and the lows can get so low that the next minute I’m watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The emotional roller coaster is a great one, but if you want to play the game you need to be prepared for everything it throws at you, even if you come off that roller coaster looking like Fabio.
You not only have to navigate cards but navigate different types of players. They will annoy you and try and send you to Tilt Town. If you can embrace their faults and laugh at their absurdities, you’re well on the way to being a winning player. After all, if you’re not enjoying it then what’s the point? I missed my calling working for the FBI because I love profiling people, and in this piece (with apologies to the movie) I look at 10 things I hate about poker players.
1. The Poker Coach
Over the years I’ve developed empathy for players I hand a bad beat to. I won’t say anything as I quietly stack my chips while avoiding eye contact. But some players can’t help themselves and need to show off by rubbing their win in your face, telling you how badly you played it despite them hitting a two-outer. As they pull up the GTO chart on their phone you start to hear words like, “range”, “bet-sizing” and “pot odds”- be grateful as in their eyes you just received a free lesson, despite it costing you $300.
To be sure, I’m not talking about a bona fide poker coach who runs a training site or offers courses. I’m talking about players for whom the reality is that the only bracelet they will ever wear is at a Taylor Swift concert. If I ever get revenge on this type of player, I’ll put on my Darth Vader voice and go, “Now, I am the master”.
2. Hit ‘n Run for the hills
There’s nothing worse than getting stacked, taking a walk to the cage and returning to see the person who forced you to get some exercise either racking up or transferring to another table where they can chip down and start again. I’ve seen people do this after one hand having waited two hours to get on a table. It’s not great etiquette but we’re not having tea with the Royal Family either. I’ll often call the supervisor over and with a straight face I ask them if they can call the police because, “I’d like to report a hit ‘n run” They often see the humour in it, but it can be tilting. It goes to the type of person they are – scared. There’s nothing more satisfying seeing them leave another table with an empty chip rack.
3. They just won’t let it go
Poker is a wonderful game if you can get inside someone’s head. It’s like the movie The Exorcist where you possess and control them, and not even a preacher coming over to table 26 can release the demon. The first lesson of poker is you can’t control how people will play. Some love to gamble and call every street with any two cards, but even if you cop a bad beat, once the hand is done you have to move on.
As Daniel Negreanu says in his vlogs when he busts from a tournament, “On to the next one”. I’ve seen players still carrying on about a hand and berating the player every hand for the next two hours. Even my Pitbull will let go of someone’s arm sooner than that. They can be a real vibe killer.
4. Could’ve, Would’ve, Should’ve Player
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. There is a man in the universe at present, sick to the stomach he used 10,000 bitcoins to buy two pizzas back in 2010. As Kenny Rogers sang in The Gambler: “’Cause every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser”. So, you’ve three-bet making it $60 to go. The flop comes 10-3-3 – you go on to scoop the pot only for another player to pipe up and tell you how lucky you were as he folded his 10-3 off-suit pre-flop. As if he was going to call $60. You wouldn’t believe if called a $40 raise the following with J-2 off suit, he would’ve hit trip twos, as his face sinks slowly into his hands as he mutters profanities. Just play every hand, mate.
5. The Mike Tyson
Why Mike Tyson? We all remember the infamous boxing match when he nibbled Evander Holyfield’s ear a few times. That’s how I feel when someone sits next to me and proceeds to bang on about their bad beat stories, forgetting the good times when their 7-8 off cracked aces. It would help if you accepted that you get the good with the bad at some point. I recall one time the chocolate I paid for didn’t come out of the vending machine, only for two chocolates to come out the following week. Guess which situation I complained about? Pro tip: always carry a set of headphones with you; your ears will thank you for it.
6. Whinge and Win
We all go through periods of being card-dead. I’ve described myself on occasion as the “Corpse with Cards”. There are times I haven’t played for an hour and it’s always the same story: the first card you see is a picture followed by a number under six. Look, if you’re getting shoddy customer service from the dealer who should be dealing you monsters, then you have a massive whinge and let the world know you’re getting bupkis. Would you believe it after having a whinge and whine the dealer delivers you a couple of Bullets, Kings or Ladies, and you finally win. Even the poker gods have had enough of your complaining. And guess who the lucky player is they finally break the drought against? ME! Oh, and when they get 8-3 off-suit the next hand, it’s whine time again.
7. How much are you playing?
I’m always observing everything at the table, notably people’s chip stacks because there’s nothing more intimidating during a hand than a player asking, “How much have you got behind you?” At that moment I go mute and use hand gestures to reveal my stack; the same way Moses parted the Red Sea. It does get annoying when you’re battling with them next hand and they ask you again. It’s at this point the passive-aggressive demon in me comes out, and before the next hand, I inform the table exactly how much I’m playing, so no need to ask. How annoying is it? Well, in a scale “from zero to Martin Kabrhel” level of annoying, it’s probably a nine. I do find there are two types of “how much have you got behind” people. There is the one where when they ask the question, and before you can answer, they’re all in, indicating huge strength. Then there is the other person who’s been caught out and is just saving face, eventually folding.
8. Chip Hog
Poker does bring with it some strange superstitions. I’ve seen players refusing to play because of an unlucky dealer. They have lucky card protectors, toys, favourite hands, lucky seats and lucky clothes (I hope that doesn’t include jocks). I do encounter the odd player who HATES and refuses to change other people’s chips at the table because they believe it’s unlucky. Some like having a big stack in front of them (obviously compensating for something) If my $100 chip doesn’t get changed, I’ll be a bitch and go to the cashier and have them change it into $1 chips. If they want to slow the game down, I’ll show them how it’s done. They end up looking a bit silly when they get stacked and need to exchange a big chip for smaller denominations. Take a hike to the cage, son!
9. Stop Apologizing
Saying “Sorry’ is the worst thing you can say in poker. If you give me a bad beat you can twerk behind me, scream “Yeah baby”, run around the room in an ecstatic state, and just DON’T SAY SORRY! I recently stumbled across an article that spoke about alternative approaches to ‘I’m Sorry’. One of those phrases is finding a way to say, “thank you”. Not sure that’ll catch on in poker without the person thinking you’re dripping in sarcasm. It does come across as rubbing your opponent’s face in it. You aren’t sorry otherwise you wouldn’t have stupidly put your chips in the middle hoping to walk to the ATM to take more money out and come back. I understand it can be a natural reaction, but the best course of action is to silently stack the chips. I’d be less offended if you said, “I’m sorry I didn’t stack you for more”. That’s probably a situation where I would say “thank you”. Look, if you’re that sorry give me my chips back – yeah nah, didn’t think so.
10. My last hand
Most people will announce they’ll leave in a few hands, but like a couple of Italians saying goodbye to each other they are still there two-hours later. I saw a situation where a player got three chip racks ready to go and he decided to play one last hand. He had AA but unfortunately lost his whole stack when they got cracked. To rub it in the person that stacked him said, “I’ll take those racks off you” as he proceeded to rack and leave. Whenever some says it’s their last hand I usually stay out of the way as it can be code for, I’m going all in with anything. The last thing I want is for me to be leaving. The annoying part is when they win the dopamine hit changes their mind and they decide to stay and keep playing. Here I was thinking you could take poker players at their word. That behaviour doesn’t wash with me, so when they say “last hand’ I get the supervisor to open the seat and have the next player stand behind them ready to pounce.
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